Amongst Stringfields

Today I am 30. I guess I thought today would be different. That I would be different. That I would have accomplished different things. That I would be somewhere else I guess.. or would have an accomplishment to put a golden sticker on that said, “LOOK! I DID THIS!”. I had huge visions for 30 and now that I’m here, I find myself looking back thinking… well SHIT, that went by fast! As a kid you always think to yourself “well when I’m 30… I’ll ______ fill in the blank (have a family, reach my career goals, buy a fancy car ect). — but now that I am here, I find myself feeling a bit perplexed. Did I do enough? Did I accomplish enough? Did I, in my timeline “succeed” in the ways I thought I would? This week in particular, I found myself second guessing and wondering about the overall purpose and meaning of my life. I kept thinking, If age is only a number than why do I feel like this number is such a big deal?

As a society we are pushed to believe that we must accomplish certain milestones by different ages. This is engrained in us since grade school. We create goals for ourselves, we compare ourselves to others, we make 5 year plans, 10 year plans, 20 year plans. We aspire to have physical signs of achievement like an expensive bag, or a big house. We drive ourselves to reach our own version of the ultimate, “dream life”. Often times, get so caught up in reaching these socital goals, climbing corporate ladders, filling our schedules with this, that and the other, that we are constantly searching of the next best thing, and the next opportunity. It in this chase that we loose track of what we HAVE accomplished and, how amazing our lives truly ARE even if we haven’t reached our so called, “dream life”.

This week has been a huge week of reflection for me. I found myself lost in the question “have I done enough, and have I achieved enough in the last 30 years?” This question burned a hole in me, it drove me down a path of comparison, which left me in an emotional pit of feeling lost. Everyday, I do the same thing, I make sure to “check myself, before I wreck myself” (thanks Ice Cube). This week, I didn’t do that, I played into my own pity party which is why I felt like a confused mess. ( I can just blame it on the pregnancy hormones… I guess. LOL.) When I say, everyday I “check myself before I wreck myself”, I totally mean that in every sense of the matter. Every time I feel like life is too much, I always take a step back and look at the situation with gratitude. What GOOD can come of this? What can I learn from this? What are my current blessings? Yes.. the situation may be horrible but what things in my life AM I thankful for? What incredible things ARE happening in my life? Why am I comparing this season of my life to others? Who are they? Why do I have to keep up with them? And to be honest, when I did this exercise today I can honestly say, that it was truly eye opening and totally shook me out of my spiral of despair.

What have I accomplished in the past 30 years? I got a college degree. I found love. I got married. I moved. I traveled on a corporate company’s dime. I got to see the world. I learned to travel by myself. I became comfortable in my own skin. I lost a job. I opened a business. I grew, I adapted and I changed. I started this blog. I closed a business. I found myself in motherhood. I became a mom. & I am about to become a mom again. I AM 30 & look at what I’ve done B****! (B word Not necessary but for dramatic effect totally necessary haha.)! Am I where I thought I’d be when I dreamt of what my life could look like when I was 30 in high school? No. But, I am proud of every door that has opened, and every door that has closed that has to brought me to where I am today. I am proud of every single hardship, and every small victory that has lead me to become the wife, mother and friend that I am. I am beyond grateful for my health, my husband, my family and all that God has given me to grow into the person He has shaped me to be. This is 30. Messy. Chaotic. Pregnant. Shooting sciatica pain. heart burn. Loud. Loved. & Happy. & honestly? That’s all I need. What have I accomplished? I have built a life exactly where God has wanted me to be. I have helped others through my relationships with them and done my best in all the little things that make up the big picture. I’m not sure what tomorrow or the next decade has to hold, but all I know is that it God has good things planned, and it will all unfold in his time.

If you find yourself overwhelmed, over thinking, comparing and over analyzing. Always remind your self that this kind of thinking is not what God wanted for you. These thoughts, and worries are just the distractions of the world. Psalms 139 :16, states ”I saw you before you were born.” God created YOU! And he knew you before you were born. He knows everything about you, your thoughts, your worries, your annoyances, the perception of the YOU that you show people, he knows YOU, the real you. He knows your reactions and He created YOU, just the way you are and chose you for a purpose. Ephesians 2:10 says, “we are Gods master piece”, so let yourself be Gods masterpiece. Love yourself & where you are in this season of your life. Don’t let your age or achievements define you. Let your scars, your story and your gifts help others. You have a purpose. You are beautiful. You are Gods master piece. & You don’t need any other affirmation than that.

SO, 30. — What do I think of 30? It’s overrated. All it means is that I am in the thick of LIFE and there is just SO much more ahead. 30 means, finally knowing yourself and maybe wearing a little more sunscreen, and finding a skin care regime. LOL. Bring it on 30. I’m ready for you.

The perfect Sunday. Family. Friends. & some great food. Thats all you need.