James 1:17 NIV
Growing up in a traditional strict Asian family, pregnancy was always scorned upon. My parents avoided having open conversations with us about sex, love, and the idea of having a baby. Their idea of giving my sister and I, “THE TALK”, was just scaring the living crap out of us by threatening to kick us out if we got pregnant. For as long as I remember, one of my Dad’s rules was: Become pregnant = Get Kicked out. I really don’t blame him for setting this rule since my parents got pregnant and married when they were 21. My parents never spoke to us about intimacy, we learned everything we knew from what we could gather on TV & what other kids would talk about at school. Of course, as I got older, it was only that natural that when I got together with my besties we would have conversations about distant acquaintances (seen on social media) who have gotten pregnant and, we would each comment on how we would “seriously… would die”. With this thought engrained in me for SO long, when I got married I had a huge mental block about starting a family. In the back of my mind, I thought that if I had a baby my life would “literally” be over.
Right after my husband and I got married, the topic of ‘having a baby’ was like word vomit from relatives near and far. You get married one day and the next day everyone just starts asking about babies! I thought to myself “Exactly at what point in life are we all supposed to just enjoy our lives, when do we really “grow up” and start popping out babies? “. Since I am naturally averse to major life changes, I went through a long period of roller-coaster emotions with anxiety about having kids and really, “WHEN DO PEOPLE START?”.
One day, I was word vomiting to a customer about my fears of pregnancy and how I was scared of getting pregnant. I received the best advice ever she said, “You are not missing out on life by starting a family. Your life may change but, you are ADDING to your life, you are fostering, developing & leaving a mark on the future.” Which left me thinking… when will I have a chance to do that working a 9-5? If for some reason the window of fertility closed on me and I would not be able to have a baby would my outlook change? What if I waited too long and my chances to conceive dramatically decreased, I would look back on these moments of “scared” and be devastated I didn’t start the baby process earlier.
After a year of feeling the pressure to start a family, I remember going to bed one day feeling incredibly uneasy and perplexed. That night I had a dream about being pregnant. In my dream, I was having a baby, and in the process of giving birth. Out of nowhere the doctor took the baby out and handed her to me (If it was only that easy in real life right?) and when the baby opened her eyes… I had an overwhelming feeling like I had never felt before. It was like, all at once, the world stopped and I was overjoyed, I was speechless, I began to cry, I just thought to myself have NEVER in my life seen anything so perfect. I was overwhelmed with emotion and in that instant, I never loved anything more. I am not sure if that is what happens in real life but, this dream was so vivid I can remember it as though it was an actual memory. At that moment, I woke up and my first thought was, “let’s do this!”. From that moment on, I thought, “let’s see what God has in store for us.” and my husband and I decided to… ya know, get “kicked out” of my parent’s house. Hahah. (June 2020 Update: the feeling I had in my dream, was exactly how it felt after you see your baby for the first time… it was like God gave me a glimpse into the future.)
SO, For you girls out there going through this weird stage of deciding whether you should start a family, or not let me assure you… 1.) you are not going to die. 2.) it’s going to be ok 3.) becoming a mom is one of the greatest, most amazing experiences that you are going to live to tell. Get ready for the best adventure you’ll ever go on. 4.) ask any Mom out there! they can’t all be lying when they “starting a family” was the best decision they ever made. Speaking from a girl who was a definite anxious & scared skeptic.
I hope my experience will help you get through this transitional time in your life, and keep in mind. Maybe it’s not your perfect timing, but its God’s perfect timing. He has a plan for your life, breath in, relax your shoulders and know that whatever is in God’s plan for your life, its better than anything you could ever imagine.
If you are ever going through a challenging time, please know that I am always here. Feel free to DM me on Instagram, shoot me an email, I’d love to hear from you and support you through this stressful time!
